Assalamualaikum guys
its been freakin 17 days since my last post. Told you, i write when i feel to, and i do not write when i feel not to. So for today, i decided to blog because somehow today my mood kinda swing -which i do not get angry or what, i just feel like crying and feeling so numb- why do i feel so ? because, today, my crush's brother is going to pursue his study oversea and this situation where everyone posted his pictures, remind me of my crush. actually, i am in the process to move on. I did this move on thingy since December 2016. I thought that i already move on, but somehow, i dont. And its really hurt for me to know the fact that i do not move on yet. because everytime i saw his picture, his tweets, his comments and so on, i will become gloomy and quiet.
There is one fact that you guys should know, i have crushing on him since 2012. its a very long time right ? yes i know. but i cant help it. i am the type of girl who is very hard to have a crush on someone seriously because once i do, its really hard for me to move on someday. and the second fact is, my mom knows all about him because i do tell my mom everything. so today, his abang is going to oversea to pursue his study, and suddenly, my thoughts goes to him. since we were quite close years ago, i had some memories that i shared with him. we were classmates for 2 years. close homeroom members. we went to trip together and so on. at the same time, my bestfriend and his bestfriend which means, our own bestfriend were together, so from that point, we start to be much more closer. i laughed at his jokes, he laughed at mine 😂 I miss the moments.
But then, i realised that i had a crush on him. but i dont tell him. i do not want to crash our friendship and being selfish. no. i am not that type of person. but then, i think he realised that i have something that i keep from him, he started to ignore, less talking with me. I dont ask him why. because i think, thats the reason. kau gila aku nak tanya, nanti kang aku tanya kena atas muka buat malu je. i am still a girl kan, its not manis. my parents dont teach me that. we do not contact each other pun we never texted eaxh other kalau takde benda penting yang macam kerja ke whatever. tapi, its a routine kut, every year, kalau birthday, mesti wish. mesti. dari kitaorang kawan biasa lagi. mesti malam tu akan text and wish. pastu habis kat situ. and setiap kali dapat text dari dia kalau bukan masa birthday, memang aku takut gila nervous nak bukak text tu. hahahaha. over right ? but then, last year, on 10th November 2016, he do not text me like he always do. he do not wished my birthday to the point that i cried so hard. For the first time in my life, i cried over a boy, who doesnt even know the truth about my feelings towards him. you want to call it friendzone ? yes it is . it is FRIENDZONE. and i dont care. i called my bestfriend, i want her to listen my cry, i want her to comfort me which she did. she asked me to move on. i called my mum, told her that he didnt wish my birthday, she also comfort me, saying that there are a lot of guys in this world, you can have better, Hmm. they all knew that bukannya salah lelaki tu pun. he did nothing wrong. kan ?
and today, again, i feel very heartbroken. i do not know why. i tried to move on but i cant. Umi asked me just now, "kenapa nadia ? whats wrong ? gaduh dengan pakwe ke ?" and i laughed for it. HHAHAHAAHA 😂 i told her i dont even have a boyfriend nak ajak gaduh. and then she said " ye ke ? padahal dah ada" and again i said, i dont have a boyfriend. and i slowly said, "dengan dia pun tak move on lagi" and then suddenly my eyes become watery . my mum shocked. quickly she tarik me and letak my kepala atas riba dia. she said, its okay dear. you can do it. and i cried. AGAIN. its so sad to think of how fool i am. thinking of him nights and days. haih. its a part of growing kan ? betul tak ?
Susah bila kita dah suka someone. bukan suka yang main main. because i am not an ordinary girl yang senang senang suka orang, yang makeup sana sini, yang text dengan semua lelaki yanga da atas muka bumi ni . NO, its not me. I am someone yang kalau suka, suka betul betul, kalau kawan, memang kawan betul betul. kalau benci pun, benci betul betul. That is why, when i fall, i fall hard. so lets not make it happen. okay ? and also, i am loyal so that it is very hard for me to change this character of mine. and come to think of it, sebab ni lah kut i am very afraid to have a relationship with any boys. kawan boleh, lebih tak kut. sebabnya, takut kalau nanti aku betul betul sayang, buat sakit diri sendiri je lagipun, betul jugak umi cakap, i have lots of time. banyak lagi masa, panjang lagi perjalanan. and now, is not the right time yet.
for you, if you happen to read this entry, i really like you. but thats a very long time ago. because for now, im still finding the right way on how to move on and not to think of you anymore. i hope we can remain befriend, and i wish you goodluck in your life. your friend, nadia.
